Hadley Ruth

The next journey in mommyhood began in a BIG way! (Just a heads up, there may be slight TMI)

March 31, 2013: It was Easter. I was excited to make it to this point, at 37weeks and 3 days. I had plans of indulging at Easter breakfast at church and then Easter dinner at our friends' house, all complete with Buckeye cake. I joked with Joel that he should play an April fools joke on his boss the next day, text him and tell him that my water broke. It would be rough, Joel's other boss would be off all week with her kids on spring break, leaving Joel as the only person to do his job. Eh, so maybe it would have been mean, but funny none the less!

April 1, 2013: Joel didn't play a mean joke, but I did warn him that if I texted him anything baby related, that it wouldn't be an April fools joke, it would be the real thing. I worked that day, Joel worked, Ezra was at the sitter's. We had a good meal for dinner and had a good night with each other. We actually started thinking of all the "should do's before baby arrives." 

April 2, 2013, around 4 AM. I don't know if I was already awake, or if it woke me up, but as I was laying in bed, I felt a trickle. It wasn't a trickle as if I was peeing my pants, it was a slimy trickling feeling. I quietly yelled at Joel, "Wake up! I think my water just broke!" Then I ran to the bathroom! I didn't want to get the fluid everywhere! Right as I made it to the toilet, a huge gush, right on the floor. Of course I couldn't have sat down first... Sure enough, my water broke!

Quick, what do we do next? Crap, there are no bags packed. I haven't made a list of what I actually need, who is going to watch Ezra? So many thoughts ran through my mind... all while sitting on the toilet for what felt like forever. When your water breaks, it doesn't just stop coming out... it full out leaks for, well until after the baby is born! It just doesn't stop! We hung out in our bathroom for awhile, kind of in awe that this was happening, kind of in a panic (at least I was), and really, trying to figure out what we really are supposed to do next. I was contracting, but nothing real regular, nothing strong. I asked Joel if we should wait and see what happens, but he said he felt more comfortable heading to the hospital as soon as possible. 

Joel through stuff in a bag, we both took showers, I did my hair, called the dr, and was happy when my good friend Kristine answered her phone, chipper at 5 am, to come and watch Ezra. I knew she was off for the day because we had plans to get pedicures that day! I wanted to welcome baby girl with pink toes, but that wasn't happening! Kristine arrived around 5:30, we ran through some instructions for Ezra (which I had half a mind to write out a few days prior), and we left for the hospital. Like I said, water continues to leak, so a towel is a must  for the car ride! And for trying to hide the fact that your pants are completely soaked from a 2 mile car ride and walk to labor and delivery! Thankfully my big belly excused me from the fact that I didn't pee my pants!

Unfortunately I still was checked into triage. About 3 hours after my water broke, the nurse checked me to assure that it actually happened (there really was no doubt when she removed her hand and it was dripping in  amniotic fluid!). I hadn't made a change from my appointment the previous Thursday, and was still not contracting regularly. I knew exactly what was coming my way: Pitocin. 

I don't know why my body refuses to pick up contractions and do something with them itself, but it somehow refuses to do it! Pitocin was started at 8, I started laboring hard immediately. Contractions came every 2-3 minutes lasting forever and increasing in intensity. People say it's no joke having a dry labor, but I'm saying, it's no joke dry laboring and laboring on Pitocin! It's no fun. I refused the epidural at lunch time when the anesthesiologist offered it before her lunch break. I had plans to go natural, but by 3 pm I was in tears. Contractions were one on top of the other, maybe I got a 30 second break... I literally felt like my pelvis was shattering, that it was breaking in two. Prior to receiving the epi, I asked if I could use the bathroom. I really had to poop! Our nurse Linda was adamant about me not doing it. She wanted to make sure I actually had to poop and not push! She told me that we would not have a toilet baby! I knew for sure that I didn't have to push yet. However, an hour later was different story! I was ready to get a baby out! I could not believe that I would already be there. I started at a 5.5 prior to the epi and an hour and a half later when I was asking to be checked, I was a 10! It was wonderful! I couldn't believe how quickly it went! Linda was positive that we'd have this baby before her shift was over! 

I started pushing, pooping and all (I warned you!) I had told Linda that if she didn't let me poop prior to the epidural, that there was no way I was going to do it in a bedpan, it would just have to wait until I pushed! Sure enough! I apologized of course, but in reality, it didn't bother me at all! I was thrilled that I was pushing correctly! Linda was incredible during our whole experience. I was her only patient, Joel realized throughout labor that he knows her husband, and she was one of the most encouraging nurse I could have asked for. She was my second cheerleader! While I pushed, she massaged me, opening me up and even showing Joel that we had a little brunette in there! Pushing was awesome. It wasn't nearly as bad as when I pushed with Ezra. Linda didn't count to 10, she told me to breath when I wanted, to push when I wanted, she didn't tell me what to do. I am sure I didn't throw up this time because of it! We pushed for about 30 minutes, I watched in the mirror again, Joel watched even closer this time watching every little movement of baby girls' head descending! He wasn't even shy, moved the dr's light around making a spotlight for her grand appearance. Soon the OB came in, I pushed some more, and he had me stop to wait for the resident to come in. Let me tell you, having baby crowned for as long as I had her crowned is no picnic! The ring of fire is real people. I knew that with Ezra, but the ring of fire shouldn't last as long as it did... I asked the OB if there was an equivalent to what men could feel, he responded with kidney stones. I then asked him if he ever had them, and he said he hadn't. I then told him he'd never know what the ring of fire felt like! The OB resident did a fantastic job, Dr. Wisler did a fantastic job.

Hadley Ruth was born on April 2, 2013 at 6:31 pm. She was placed immediately on me, we were able to delay her cord clamping and she cried upon arrival into the world. As Joel will tell everyone, it went exactly like it's supposed to, we didn't have to wait to hear her cry! Hadley stayed on me through measurements, except her weight. My minor tear was stitched up, I was cleaned up, all while Hadley hung out with me and breastfed! It was amazing. A much different start than Ezra's birth. Hadley weighed 8lbs 6 oz, was 21.5," and is just simply put, beautiful. We love this little girl so much!

Hadley Ruth, welcome to the world!

Ezra thinks he's excited to be a big brother!

Our family of four!

Ready or Not?

It's been forever since I've posted, maybe because I've been busy chasing a toddler, working, trying to prepare for a new baby, or just trying to "relax" as much as possible.

In a conversation with two good friends this morning, via facebook, I decided that maybe I should get my thoughts and feelings "out there." So Ready or Not? What's it all about?

I've recently been feeling overwhelmed with my pregnancy, overwhelmed with the idea of adding another baby to our crazy life. I've been overwhelmed with wondering just how I can handle this, when my 15 month old still doesn't sleep well. How am I going to be a "good" mommy to a newborn and to my son? The fact of the matter is, I'm not ready for this.

I've felt a disconnect to this pregnancy and baby girl. Maybe it's because she was such a surprise (to me, Joel may say it wasn't as surprising to him), maybe it's because my children will be so close in age, maybe it's because I'm overly busy and overly tired? I don't know what the cause for it is, but it indeed makes me feel like a bad mommy. I can't even seem to name this little girl. With Ezra, as soon as we found the name, we knew it was his name. For baby girl, I have no clue. Okay, that's not entirely true. I can't decide between two names. I like them both. I've thought that maybe I need to see her, but I can't imagine that a person "looks like a name."

My sister reminded me that every relationship with our children will be different. I'll bond differently with this little girl than I did with Ezra and she'll be different than Ezra. One thing I do know, I love her, and I know that I have so much love to give her as her mommy.

Thankfully, my friends reminded me that we're never ready for big life changes. That I'll learn to be a mommy to two children, that everything will be okay. To be honest, as soon as I got these feelings out to someone, I felt better. Even just thinking some of these things made me feel like a bad mommy.

So whether I'm ready or not for my next journey in mommyhood, it's coming my way sooner rather than later!

A Year of Blessings

Ezra Dean, we have been so blessed to have you in our lives. You turned one today!! When I woke up around 5 this morning, I was bummed that my body didn't wake me up at 3:42, when you were born. I really wanted to be awake for that moment. I went to bed remembering being in labor at that moment. I did wake up around 1:30 and remembered that soon after that I was begging the nurse to push you out!

You have taught us so many lessons this last year, but most importantly how to love and how to understand the Father's love for us even more. I don't think anyone can fathom the love of a parent until they have children of their own. And for me, it was more than that, the love the Father has given us is so much more apparent to me after having you. Through all the trials, all the struggles, all the times I was in tears over the last year, I never stopped loving you. Imagine how God is just like that, in everything we do, every single sin we make, He never stops loving us. How amazing is that love!

You are now sleeping through the night almost every night. I was sure we'd never get to that point. Much of this last here has been survival mode for us! You eat all your meals with us, we still get amazed at how you can just chew the same food, and walk around and drink from your sippy cup. It's the little things that really amaze us!

You love to chase your daddy around the house, or have him chase you. You just started enjoying reading stories, you're not talking yet, but you're a champ at walking! I'll take your mobility any day!

A year ago, I remember gazing into your eyes and imagining what life would be like. It hasn't necessarily been exactly what I imagined, but I couldn't have had this year any other way. You are amazing, you give hugs and kisses, your smiles and laughter light up any room. You are so loved, not just by your daddy and your mommy, but by your friends and family as well. I cannot remember what life was like before you, and I really don't want to. Your daddy and I are so incredibly happy and so excited to continue to watch you grow! We can't wait to see you as a big brother come April, you'll love your little sister so much and be the best big brother!

Ezra Dean, we love you so much! Happy Birthday little man!

Minutes old!

First Birthday cake!

Our little man is ONE!

Almost 10 months!

It was 10 months ago that we went to the hospital to have you Ezra. It took two more days until we finally got to meet you. Giving mommy one of her many lessons to come in patience! There are some things I want to remember that have happened recently. You're growing up way too fast. Learning things at such a fast pace and really taking off!

Two weeks ago you learned how to walk! You'll walk between daddy and me, and sometimes to other objects in the house (if they are close in distance). You're still unsure about walking everywhere yet. We're ready for you to do it and it was so exciting to see you take your first steps! You really, never cease to amaze us!

You also learned to clap two weeks ago. Now you do it all the time! It's so cute! You've started singing in church. We love it, and I hope everyone around us does too!

You've found out what your tongue is and stick it out ALL the time. You fake laugh, but it's started to turn into your new laugh. You are so ticklish and giggle like crazy when we tickle your belly and feet!

You've also learned how to tell us "no" and "all done" through sign language. Maybe we shouldn't have taught you no, but the all done will do wonders for us.

You continue to eat everything we put in front of you, you'd eat everything we did if it was all easily edible for you!

You're not so scared of "strangers" any more. You willing went to my Uncle Jon yesterday and didn't worry for a minute that he wasn't mommy or daddy! This will be helpful in the coming months!

You continue to love your daddy so much. I love watching the two of you together.

You're still teaching us patience in the sleep department. We wish we knew what more we could do to help you. We hate hearing you cry and hate having to deal with that every night.

We love you more and more every day. You make us smile, laugh, and mommy cry (usually good tears).

The life of a Mommy

There are some things you don't realize that will happen when you become a mommy. Things that you may have taken for granted in the past. One of those things is being secluded. I've recently started to feel this way again. I did at the beginning of mommyhood and I feel that way yet again.

Ezra is one that has to sleep in his crib for naps. He can't nap on the go anymore, and really hasn't since he was about 2 months old. This makes me have to carefully plan every day around his nap schedule, and around his eating schedule. The two don't coincide, leaving me a small window to actually leave the house.

Even when I do leave the house, it's for a quick trip to the grocery store for more formula or a quick trip to church. Even thinking about taking Ezra to a dr's appointment stresses me out.

I never realized how much I'd crave adult interaction and adult conversation. Maybe I realize this more this week because as the school year continues along, my friend that had every day off in the summer is busy teaching. I have friends that work nights and sleep during the days and friends that work. It's not an easy thing to not get to see your friends anymore.

I enjoy my time at home with Ezra, but it does get "boring" at times. There are only so many times I can walk around the house maneuvering his musical walker, only so many miles I can walk, only so many books we can read, etc. Yes, I do feel like a bad mommy by saying all this, especially while I know so many mommy's who wish they could stay home. Maybe it will get easier as Ezra grows older (although I need to have a job by then), and it has gotten easier as Ezra has learned how to play by himself, but it doesn't make me need some girl time any less. I am however thankful that I've witnessed every single milestone of Ezra's life thus far. I would be incredibly sad if I missed out any of those.

Mommy's to be, enjoy your time to get out, to see friends, and to be "free" while you can, it'll all change the minute you give birth!

9 Months

Ezra, you're 9 months old now. I don't know where the time went, but it has gone by way to quickly! You're such a joy to be around, usually. You've started laughing for absolutely no reason, other than something must be funny for you. You're getting closer and closer to walking, although still hate to let go to mommy and daddy's hands. You cruise like you're in a hurry to get everywhere fast. You eat everything in sight, even if it's not food. You really keep me on my toes with my cleaning! You still fight sleep with every bone in your body. I don't know how you aren't exhausted every day, I am! You've started sucking your thumb, which drives me insane, but you also have started cuddling more, which melts my heart. You get so excited when daddy comes home from work, crawling as fast as you can to get to him. You jabber nonstop, say momma when you're crying and whining, but nothing else yet. You have learned to sign milk, although you've become stubborn and don't like to do it anymore.

While I hate watching you grow up so fast, I love it just the same. You are your own little boy, living life just as you want to!

A Birth Story

The birth of baby G is something that I’ve wanted to share, an experience that I found humbling, stressful, exciting, and just about every other emotion you can come up with in the book.

I found out I was pregnant after my older sister had her first son and while my oldest sister was pregnant with her second child, but first son. We couldn’t be more excited as we had been praying for and waiting for God’s perfect timing in giving us a child (albeit not as patiently as I should have been). After my sister Lisa’s birth, I knew the kind of birth I wanted. We weren’t able to take classes, and was told that our hospital class wouldn’t do much for us. But I read, Joel read, we talked, we watched youtube videos. We knew what we wanted in birth.

Fast forward. I was 40 weeks. Leading up to 40 weeks I knew I wasn’t going to be giving birth anytime soon. I let Joel go hunting away from the home. I walked, I ate Chinese, spicy food, drank cumin tea, bounced on my yoga ball. Nothing was going to make baby G (as we referred to him until he was born) budge from his comfortable place nowhere near my birth canal! I was never uncomfortable; in fact pregnancy was amazing (I really can’t wait to do it again).

The day of my 40 week appointment (40+3  days), I knew induction would come up. I never wanted to be induced, in fact there were instructions in my birth plan otherwise. My dr was on call for the whole weekend, and I was having less fetal movement. Everything looked great on the ultrasound, the NST, and at my appointment. I still hadn’t budged past a “Debikey 1,” which if you knew my dr, is not even a centimeter. I had been in early labor for at least a few days, without knowing it until my NST. I was having regular contractions 6-7 minutes apart, and when I was told they were real and not BH, I said, "Oh it’s been like this for 2 days!"  We were set to induce that night at 6. Had I known what was ahead of me, I would have gone home and slept. Instead we went home and enjoyed our last moments as only husband and wife. We ate dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant on the way to the hospital.

We were checked in, contractions every 5-6 minutes (I had noticed them getting a little closer). I had an intern look for Baby G’s head before induction started. She couldn’t find it. I told her to look higher as he wasn’t in my birth canal or anywhere near it, but she still couldn’t’ find it. I suggested that we had already had an ultrasound 3 hours earlier and that he was certainly head down. She finally got the okay to continue. Dr. Debikey said we could skip the cervadil since I was having consistent contractions. I was asked my birth plan, it was to get my baby here safely, with as little intervention as possible (aside from the obvious augmentation of labor)

Pitocin was started. Progression was slow. 12 hours later I was at a 2. I had no desire for pain medication. I had never wanted to be hooked up to IV, machines, or anything to induce or help labor progress. My husband and I labored together. He rubbed my back, got me dum dums, ice, encouraged me, took me to the bathroom, and was wonderful all together. I tried to listen to relaxation music, but all that worked was Dave Matthews (which was actually just fine with me!). I bounced and rolled and swayed on my yoga ball. The nurse brought me lavender, every single nurse I had was all for me going natural. Nothing was getting Baby G to move.

21 hours in: I thought to myself, will I be able to push this baby out at this rate? I took an epidural. Looking back I wouldn’t have done it. The pain wasn’t bad. Contractions weren’t what people described them to be, but I was exhausted. I need to sleep (I didn’t). Dr tried to break my water, didn’t work. At one point I was sure I was having a heart attack, but the nurse assured me it was just Baby G's feet right underneath my breasts pushing back every contraction.  At 1:45, about 31 or so hours into labor, I needed to push. I looked over at Joel, he was sleeping (at least one of us was going to need strength and rest) and my nurse said she’d be in at 2:15 to check me. I thought, I’ll just wait, I’m sure I can. Nope, I started pushing on my own, then I thought I should call the nurse. She came in, Dr. Debikey who had just gone to sleep in the on call room came in.

My epidural was turned off (not like it worked anyway!). I pushed and pushed, threw up in between contractions, was on oxygen.  At one point I begged Baby G to make his entrance. I said I couldn’t do it, my dr told me to get mad at her. I played tug of war with the nurse, anything to get Baby G to budge. Dr. Debikey called in the NICU team, and finally, 33+ hours after entering the hospital, baby G made his entrance. There must have been something wrong that I didn’t realize because my dr at one point asked me, forceps or episiotomy. I said episiotomy (hurt me, not the baby please). She never let me know anything was wrong, she encouraged me through the whole thing. Baby G didn’t get to come to my chest, we didn’t get to wait to cut the cord, he was immediately handed over to the NICU team. Joel said he saw the clock they set on his breathing, and while it only said a minute when he finally took his first breath, it felt like forever. After his two APGAR scores, he was finally given to Joel (as I was shaking and being stitched).  He finally came to me, again felt like forever, although I’m sure it wasn’t long at all. We nursed right away. He was so alert and attentive. The most beautiful little baby I’ve ever seen. Baby G was finally named, Ezra Dean.

I don’t regret how Ezra came into the world, I am thankful he arrived safely and with the immediate attention of amazing doctors. I look back and would of course not have gotten the epidural, but everything else I certainly would have done again. I was glad it was turned off so I knew exactly what to do, how to do it and felt Ezra enter the world.  My dr was amazed we didn’t end up in the OR since Ezra was never engaged until I physically pushed him down and out. In the end we have a healthy, beautiful baby boy, and that was all I could ask for!