A Birth Story

The birth of baby G is something that I’ve wanted to share, an experience that I found humbling, stressful, exciting, and just about every other emotion you can come up with in the book.

I found out I was pregnant after my older sister had her first son and while my oldest sister was pregnant with her second child, but first son. We couldn’t be more excited as we had been praying for and waiting for God’s perfect timing in giving us a child (albeit not as patiently as I should have been). After my sister Lisa’s birth, I knew the kind of birth I wanted. We weren’t able to take classes, and was told that our hospital class wouldn’t do much for us. But I read, Joel read, we talked, we watched youtube videos. We knew what we wanted in birth.

Fast forward. I was 40 weeks. Leading up to 40 weeks I knew I wasn’t going to be giving birth anytime soon. I let Joel go hunting away from the home. I walked, I ate Chinese, spicy food, drank cumin tea, bounced on my yoga ball. Nothing was going to make baby G (as we referred to him until he was born) budge from his comfortable place nowhere near my birth canal! I was never uncomfortable; in fact pregnancy was amazing (I really can’t wait to do it again).

The day of my 40 week appointment (40+3  days), I knew induction would come up. I never wanted to be induced, in fact there were instructions in my birth plan otherwise. My dr was on call for the whole weekend, and I was having less fetal movement. Everything looked great on the ultrasound, the NST, and at my appointment. I still hadn’t budged past a “Debikey 1,” which if you knew my dr, is not even a centimeter. I had been in early labor for at least a few days, without knowing it until my NST. I was having regular contractions 6-7 minutes apart, and when I was told they were real and not BH, I said, "Oh it’s been like this for 2 days!"  We were set to induce that night at 6. Had I known what was ahead of me, I would have gone home and slept. Instead we went home and enjoyed our last moments as only husband and wife. We ate dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant on the way to the hospital.

We were checked in, contractions every 5-6 minutes (I had noticed them getting a little closer). I had an intern look for Baby G’s head before induction started. She couldn’t find it. I told her to look higher as he wasn’t in my birth canal or anywhere near it, but she still couldn’t’ find it. I suggested that we had already had an ultrasound 3 hours earlier and that he was certainly head down. She finally got the okay to continue. Dr. Debikey said we could skip the cervadil since I was having consistent contractions. I was asked my birth plan, it was to get my baby here safely, with as little intervention as possible (aside from the obvious augmentation of labor)

Pitocin was started. Progression was slow. 12 hours later I was at a 2. I had no desire for pain medication. I had never wanted to be hooked up to IV, machines, or anything to induce or help labor progress. My husband and I labored together. He rubbed my back, got me dum dums, ice, encouraged me, took me to the bathroom, and was wonderful all together. I tried to listen to relaxation music, but all that worked was Dave Matthews (which was actually just fine with me!). I bounced and rolled and swayed on my yoga ball. The nurse brought me lavender, every single nurse I had was all for me going natural. Nothing was getting Baby G to move.

21 hours in: I thought to myself, will I be able to push this baby out at this rate? I took an epidural. Looking back I wouldn’t have done it. The pain wasn’t bad. Contractions weren’t what people described them to be, but I was exhausted. I need to sleep (I didn’t). Dr tried to break my water, didn’t work. At one point I was sure I was having a heart attack, but the nurse assured me it was just Baby G's feet right underneath my breasts pushing back every contraction.  At 1:45, about 31 or so hours into labor, I needed to push. I looked over at Joel, he was sleeping (at least one of us was going to need strength and rest) and my nurse said she’d be in at 2:15 to check me. I thought, I’ll just wait, I’m sure I can. Nope, I started pushing on my own, then I thought I should call the nurse. She came in, Dr. Debikey who had just gone to sleep in the on call room came in.

My epidural was turned off (not like it worked anyway!). I pushed and pushed, threw up in between contractions, was on oxygen.  At one point I begged Baby G to make his entrance. I said I couldn’t do it, my dr told me to get mad at her. I played tug of war with the nurse, anything to get Baby G to budge. Dr. Debikey called in the NICU team, and finally, 33+ hours after entering the hospital, baby G made his entrance. There must have been something wrong that I didn’t realize because my dr at one point asked me, forceps or episiotomy. I said episiotomy (hurt me, not the baby please). She never let me know anything was wrong, she encouraged me through the whole thing. Baby G didn’t get to come to my chest, we didn’t get to wait to cut the cord, he was immediately handed over to the NICU team. Joel said he saw the clock they set on his breathing, and while it only said a minute when he finally took his first breath, it felt like forever. After his two APGAR scores, he was finally given to Joel (as I was shaking and being stitched).  He finally came to me, again felt like forever, although I’m sure it wasn’t long at all. We nursed right away. He was so alert and attentive. The most beautiful little baby I’ve ever seen. Baby G was finally named, Ezra Dean.

I don’t regret how Ezra came into the world, I am thankful he arrived safely and with the immediate attention of amazing doctors. I look back and would of course not have gotten the epidural, but everything else I certainly would have done again. I was glad it was turned off so I knew exactly what to do, how to do it and felt Ezra enter the world.  My dr was amazed we didn’t end up in the OR since Ezra was never engaged until I physically pushed him down and out. In the end we have a healthy, beautiful baby boy, and that was all I could ask for!

Letting Go

I've learned a lot in mommyhood. One of the most important things I've learned is that sometimes you just have to let things go and sometimes you let TOO much go!

Sunday, I did my hair for the first time since a friend's wedding in April. That meant, blow drying it and straightening it. I didn't realize how long my hair had gotten. I actually like it long, but I look weird. I'm pretty sure it hasn't been that way since my senior year in college before I got married. I don't not do it because I don't have time, I don't do it because little fingers get wrapped up into pulling it. Funny enough, I don't think my baby enjoyed looking at me on Sunday.

I actually wore makeup for the first time since April, twice this week. Job interviews prompted that.... but again, being made up made me feel great!

A few weeks ago, I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed our ceramic tile floor. It took forever and was a good workout. Maybe a benefit of not having money to actually pay for a nice mop... I've learned that since our son is all over the place, a dirty floor makes for a VERY dirty little boy. I wish I could vacuum and mop every single day! That being said, the things I've let go the most has been cleaning.

Joel and I went Vegan for a 28 day diet in June. It prompted me to HAVE to cook. Now we cook every meal, albeit not all vegan anymore, but mainly so. It's great being back in the kitchen, although some days it is harder than others to not just throw a frozen pizza in the oven.

I've started running again. I wish it was nice enough outside to get to do it with Joel and E in the stroller at the park every day, but 90 degree weather does not agree with that.

These are all "self-improvement" things that I had let go being a mommy. Now the biggest thing I've had to LEARN to let go, is that my son is not going to just conform to everything I want him to conform to. I know a lot of books tell you to not let your children run your life and decide when and what you do, but sometimes strong-willed little boys have a different plan.

I've tried my hardest to let go of the notion that my son will be a good sleeper. I still have my nights and days that he just frustrates me on end about his horrible sleep habits, but I've learned more or less to just embrace the little non-sleeper her is. He's surprised us on occasion, like this week, and slept all the way through the night. He did it three nights in a row this week, then last night, out of no where, had no desire to sleep and had an hour + middle of the night party. I finally brought him to bed for the first time all week. I actually enjoyed waking up with him in my arms this morning. I wouldn't mind that, but it would be nice if it would only happen once a week, not every day!

When we were struggling with breastfeeding, that was the hardest thing to let go. Not many mommy's to be have the idea that they'll just exclusively pump to feed their baby, that they wouldn't get to have that "amazing" connection of breastfeeding that EVERYONE talks about. Letting go of all of that is still probably the most difficult thing I've had to do in mommyhood. Yes, even more difficult than not getting sleep. I still mourn over not being able to breastfeed my baby, especially when I'm out and about and feeding on the go is just not easy.

I've had to let go of all desires of getting out. As I said above, the feeding thing is not easy on the go. My son loves his milk warm and will gag or not eat much if it's room temperature, have I said he's picky?! He also doesn't sleep on the go, unless extremely tired in the car. so I can't just visit friends with the thought that he'll fall asleep in my arms or someone else's arms. I remember those first few weeks of life in which he did this....

I know it's hard work, and letting go of things is definitely not in my nature, but it's all been completely worth it. Everything about mommyhood has been completely worth it!

It's All in a Name

When we first found out we were pregnant I did not want to find out whether we were having a boy or a girl. I wanted to be surprised at the end, but Joel thought differently. He was the last to carry on the family name and was desperate to have a boy. I have to admit, I also was hoping for a boy, but would have been thrilled either way!

I had my mind set, I wouldn't find out the gender of our baby, but Joel would and keep it a secret from everyone. Then the 20 week ultrasound happened. As I'm laying on the table with the warm goop all over my belly, the question is asked, "Do you want to know whether you are having a boy or a girl?" I immediately responded with a no.... drawn out with I don't think so..... uhm, okay, tell us. I have to admit, finding out and seeing him on the ultrasound was the most amazing thing! Knowing that our little baby is a boy was so incredible. I think, maybe, we both cried.

Prior to finding out if we were having a boy or a girl, Joel and I made name lists. We pretty much had our boy name picked out, but our girls' list was long. We definitely couldn't come to an agreement on a name. I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't be able to tell whether we were having a boy or a girl by the names that we chose, hence the lists being done early.

Joel and I both had the understanding that a name has to be special. We wanted something we thought was unique. We didn't want our son to grow up in a classroom with multiples of the same name. I had to deal with that!. Our middle names were always picked out, so we had to make sure that the first names would match up well.

I fully believe that picking a name for your child is such a special task and a scary one at that. I worried about the name being picked. Would he be made fun of? Would people understand the name? Would people think we're weird? But it came down to the fact that we LOVE his name. He wouldn't be the same kid with a different name. I feel like this was one of my first successful tasks in mommyhood, naming our baby. I was worried when he was born whether the name would fit him. I wanted to look at him before announcing his name to the room.

So mommies to be, don't worry about the name you've chosen. I'm sure it's special for a reason. Just remember YOU chose it and you've used one of your first mommy's instinct!

We didn't share our son's name until the day he was born. Even the nurses during labor were trying to get it out of us, but we were set on keeping it a secret. So sorry folks, you won't get to "know" (So don't spoil it in the comments!) until I tell my birth story! Hang on... it's coming, and it's a bumpy ride!

Not So Great, Expectations

I think I'm like most mommy's to be, you have a picture in mind on how things will go. You have expectations set out in front of you, and excitement giving you these amazing expectations. I'm here to tell you, to burst your bubble, mommy's to be: that mommyhood doesn't always go as you expect. Would you like some examples?

• Our first and biggest rule when we brought E home was that no one, not a single person, mommy, daddy, grandma(s), was allowed to sleep with him. This being said, our mom's spent the majority of their time here, taking turns with daddy, staying up all night holding our little boy because he didn't want to sleep on his own in his cradle. They were kind enough to let mommy sleep (most of the time). Come around to 2 months of age. E was still not desiring to sleep on his own. Daddy would hold E sitting up in the rocking chair half the night and mommy would bring him to bed when daddy got ready for work. The beginning of sleeping with our baby happened here. I never expected to be a co-sleeper, but out of necessity, became one. It's a rare night now that E doesn't end up in bed with us. We haven't had to start most nights with him in bed, but almost every morning we are awoken by his beautiful smile when he needs to furiously sit up and crawl around immediately upon waking. I can't say that I don't love the cuddles in the morning, they are wonderful, but so are the cuddles with J when we don't have a baby in between us. 
• I was going to be a "Babywise" mom. I've mentioned this before, but let me mention it again, I had my mind set on exactly what kind of schedule we'd have in order to increase the probability of my baby sleeping through the night at an early age. When E hated being scheduled and would refuse to eat when I said it was time to eat, the whole Babywise went out the window. I still managed to have him awake after eating on most days, but then again, sometimes he'd only go to sleep for a nap if he was "nursed" down.
• I was going to nurse my baby for 12 + months. Mommy's to be, nursing can be hard, in fact it may be one of the hardest things that you have to learn at the beginning of mommyhood. For us, it actually went off without a hitch. I was nervous that it wouldn't go well because I wasn't able to have E put immediately to my breast after he was born, but within 30 minutes to an hour after (I really have no recollection of time after birth, so it may have been shorter or longer), he was latching on without much need for help from the nurses. I was elated. I thought, oh good, one thing I was worried about I don't have to worry about! When my mom came down the day after he was born, she was shocked at how well it was going for us as well. I wasn't in any incredible pain, and enjoyed our time together. A week later things weren't going so well. E would scream and pull away every time we nursed. We began to think that he had colic, but that was not the case. Crying took place from both of us, he'd scream, I'd cry. We had a difficult time. J would come home from work and I'd be so defeated from the day and nursing. I gave in at 4 weeks and started giving him a bottle, which he took much better. I assumed I had an overactive let down, which I did, but that wasn't what bothered him. I visited a Lactation Consultant, they suggested reflux. E's dr prescribed him medicine, which didn't make much difference. I later realized (all too late) that E reacted negatively when I ate anything citrus. I had two weeks in which I didn't have citrus at all, and he nursed wonderfully. When he finally quite nursing during the daytime all together, I started pumping exclusively. It's tiring, obviously time consuming, and to be honest, hurt my feelings. I felt like a complete failure, and looking back still do. I pumped exclusively for 4 months. E was 6 months when my supply completely dried up. I will always feel guilty about this, although after speaking with E's pediatrician, my surgery was why I dried up (can't feel TOO guilty about a much needed surgery). 
• You may never get anything done at home, may never have a great meal on the table when your husband gets home, and at the beginning of mommyhood, that is okay! I never realized how hard it is to keep a clean home and dinner on the table with a clingy, non-sleeper. When I finally learned that baby wearing is the way to go, dinner became a much easier thing to do. However, the cleaning still takes awhile. E hates loud noises, so turning on the vacuum cleaner is an absolute no, unless J is home to watch him on a different level of the house. As E's pediatrician said, the housework can wait, just take care of your baby. I had a hard time with this, especially for the first 4 months, while E took every single nap on me. 
• Mommyhood is hard. Wait, duh! Who said it was easy? I know, I know. No one said it's easy, but no one said it's as hard as it has been. No one said that you may go crazy when your baby doesn't stop crying and won't go to sleep and won't nurse. No one said that you may not know why your baby is crying. No one said when other mommy's talk about everything they do and you look at yourself, unshaven, not showered, wearing dirty, spit uppy, clothes, that you'd be more jealous than anything. No one said that you'd be stuck in the house day in and day out. It's hard work. Harder than anything I expected. And no, it hasn't always been great. 

So mommy's and mommy's to be. What lessons can you learn? Your expectations going into and in mommyhood may not stick. It's okay. Figure out what works best for you, even if you've been completely against it in the past. Embrace the fact that YOU are your child's mommy and mommy knows best (I still have a hard time believing this on a daily basis).

A Heartbeat

Baby G, I've already talked about how much I loved you from the get go, but I don't think I realized just how much until I was 10 weeks along. We had waited until we were almost 9 weeks to tell family. My parents and sister and her family were in town for Easter. We announced it to them and to a few friends, then called the rest of our family. I can't speak for them, but I'm sure everyone was elated, especially my family. I was going to have the third grandchild in a year. My grandparents came into town shortly after and we announced it to them as well.

Two days later, J was at work, and I started seeing some spotting. Now, for some people that might not shock them all that much, but to me, panic set in. I waited through the morning, laying on my side, drinking water, everything that Google tells you to do. In the afternoon I had more bleeding, and I knew that I had to visit the doctor. I called and got in immediately.

I begged J to come home and go with me, but he wouldn't have made it in time. So I went by myself, expecting the very worse. I cried the whole 2 miles to my OB's office. I sat in the waiting room feeling completely numb, watching all the other, very pregnant mommies around me. I thought to myself that this was the worst possible thing that could happen to us. I prayed and prayed that everything would be okay with you, Baby G.

I was called back to the ultrasound room. I undressed, and hopped up on the table. I can't remember the ultrasound tech's name, but she was so gentle and so kind. She handed me tissues, telling me I'd need them either way. I am sure I held my breath the entire time I was in that room, until she turned on the sound of the heartbeat. Your beautiful, strong heartbeat Baby G. She was right, I needed tissues no matter what. I didn't even cry the first time we "met" you, when I was 7 weeks and we saw you on that ultrasound and heard your heartbeat. I admit there were tears in my eyes, but not full out crying.

A short 5 days later, I had my first OB appointment, and you scared me again. As my OB said, it was early to get a heartbeat on a Doppler, but I still got scared when it didn't show up. So, I got to see you again and hear that beautiful sound again. Mommies to be and wanna be mommies, that may be one of the most amazing and beautiful sounds you'll ever hear, the heartbeat of your child. I wish I could bottle up that sound and release it whenever I have a bad day. In those short 5 days, you grew so much. I still love looking at those ultrasound pictures and looking in amazement at this little "thing" that would soon be in my arms. Although these were my first two scares in mommyhood, I'm sure they will not be my last.

Enjoy It While You Can

Pregnant mommies, have you ever heard the saying, "Enjoy the sleep while you can?" I'm hear to tell you, it's true, but more true than that would be, "You'll never sleep again, so enjoy your last semblance of normalcy in that department!"

Okay, so it's not ALL true for all mommies, but 7.5 months in, I can tell you I haven't had sleep in 7.5 months, and even more than that. I started having interrupted sleep at the very beginning of pregnancy, stretching to the end and now, I hardly ever, get sleep. I'm not trying to exaggerate things here, my lovely son detests sleep and anything to do with it.

I've read every sleep book, I had expectations going into mommyhood about what it would be like. I'd have weeks of broken sleep, but just like the plan I had followed "Babywise," my son would be sleeping through the night at 6 weeks. Now please know, sleeping through the night (STTN) is clinically when a baby sleeps 5 hours straight (not your 8,10,12 hours that you'd really like). My son at 7.5 months has probably STTN a handful of times. Worse than that, he wakes every 1,2, maybe a stretch of 3-4 hours tops. And naps, we won't even start on naps.

Now, before you start suggestion what we should do, please know, we've done it all. We first followed our gut, which was to CIO. It worked for awhile. Then we did it multiple times again, this all after months of holding our son while he slept as we stayed awake. I hit the breaking point, the point where I wanted to leave my family, the point where I couldn't take it anymore and CIO was our immediate answer. We tried the rocking to sleep, the pick up/put down, the 5 S's, co-sleeping, every single method out there. Nothing works, at least not for more than a few days.

This is not the mommyhood I expected, or signed up for. I'm exhausted, stressed, frustrated. I'm here to tell you mommies, when others are bragging about their children STTN at an early age, it makes your blood boil. I really don't wish a sleepless baby on anyone (okay maybe I do so I don't feel like such a bad momma), but seeing that your baby is a great sleeper, takes wonderful naps, goes down without screaming for an hour or more at a time, and doesn't wake constantly in the night, really makes me upset! I know it's not anyone's fault and you should be excited that your baby sleeps, but I'm pretty sure my heart breaks every time I hear of the "perfect" baby.

Maybe those other moms with all these problems just never share their issues. Maybe they want to make everyone else think that life is just grand. And maybe I should sugarcoat my life in mommyhood, but I'd much rather be there for others going through the same thing. I'd rather tell my story so that people going into mommyhood with much of the same expectations that I had, won't be so broken down. I never imagined that I'd still be at this spot with a 7.5 month old. I never imagined that I would understand why some people do end up shaking their baby. I would never be able to do this (I've always put E down when it's gotten bad), but as I talked with my aunt about sleep problems, she also spoke the words of understanding this when she was in my shoes. Pure exhaustion, frustration, and complete brokenness in mommyhood is a scary place to be. I'm there, almost every day.

Today

Today my dear son, it doesn't matter that you won't take another nap. It doesn't matter that you didn't want to sleep last night, it doesn't matter that you won't let my friends, who you know well, hold you. It doesn't matter that you drooled all over my face and spit up all over my shirt. It doesn't matter that you ate my whole nectarine, the only one left. All that matters is that I love you. I love you with all I am. Today, I'll hug you just a little bit tighter. I'll kiss you more than you'll probably enjoy. I'll hold you just a little bit longer. And I'll love you more than you'll ever know.